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-   -   "Dirty Screwing and Fancy Screwing" (http://metaltabs.com/forum/showthread.php?t=27230)

far_beyond_sane 2006-01-23 06:32

"Dirty Screwing and Fancy Screwing"
 
Hey, you bunch of walrus-fucking prostate massagers!

I'm recently single (about 4 hours) and I thought this might be a laugh - many of you know I'm a bit sick and moderately evil on occasion.

In fact, I have a shopping list of depraved stuff that I feel I have to do now that I'm single. Why? Because it's fucking great, that's why. Also it's been a while since I was properly single. It's time to let Satan back into my pants.

1) Early bootycall a woman after office hours, fuck her, leave, get laid again elsewhere before midnight.
2) I am dying to awfully molest a woman older than 35. Really. This should be number 1, but I didn't think of it first.
3) Do awful things to a woman who's taller than me (185cm, 6'1)
4) Do awful things to a woman who's heavier than me (93kg, 205lb)
5) Sleep with a fat woman who will willingly make piggy-grunting noises during sex.
6) Two ex-girlfriends in 24 hours.
7) Someone's mother. Seriously. Preferably someone I know well enough for it to be a dirty act, but not well enough that their eventual disowning me forever would be a pain.
8) Pick up a woman by just grunting "SEX" at her in a bar. I have always wanted to do this.
9) A genuine bi-girl 4-on-1. If even possible at all, this will take very careful planning and organisation, but must appear spontaneous at all costs.
10) Find women who are smart and talented enough to be respected. In my current state of mind, this seems less likely than a bi-girl 4-way.

Juvenile? Sure. Mean? Possibly. Fun? Absolutely.

So this can be a fuck thread - post your most depraved sexual experiences, dirty stories, and things you want to do to Dissection's sister/earhole/mother/kidneys. Let's see some old-school nasty.

Enjoy the filth. I fucking well will be!

(Note: Anyone who recognises the reference in the title is cool and my friend.)

NZ black metal drumm 2006-01-23 07:11

hehehehehe

all I have to say is that I have a few women who will do what they are told ;)

if not then I can be a very mean and nasty person

*candle wax and riding crops*

Bia 2006-01-23 07:53

Quote:
Originally Posted by far_beyond_sane
I'm recently single (about 4 hours) and I thought this might be a laugh - many of you know I'm a bit sick and moderately evil on occasion.

10) Find women who are smart and talented enough to be respected. In my current state of mind, this seems less likely than a bi-girl 4-way.

(Note: Anyone who recognises the reference in the title is cool and my friend.)


Congrats...
We exist...
Mastodon...


As for any debaucherous sexuality I might have...
Any experiences I went into details about could lead to "arrests"

cheers and congrats again



:beer:

far_beyond_sane 2006-01-23 08:08

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bia
Congrats...
We exist...
Mastodon...


Well, that's a nice basket to put yourself in. I'm very pleased to find out that you're smart and talented enough to be respected.

Now, are you calling me a mastodon (which is entirely fair) or implying that the title reference is Mastodon (which is so wrong it isn't even funny)?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Les
As for any debaucherous sexuality I might have...
Any experiences I went into details about could lead to "arrests"


Horsefuck. Tell me the worst one you've got and I bet I've done it, but to a midget. :D

humancorpse 2006-01-23 08:25

hahahha, someone needs to do a documentary on this!

Bia 2006-01-23 08:42

Quote:
Originally Posted by far_beyond_sane


Horsefuck. Tell me the worst one you've got and I bet I've done it, but to a midget. :D

You quote me as "Les"
Who is Les?

And yes...I failed at the Mastodon attempt.

powersofterror 2006-01-23 10:00

Probably some inside joke that only he and PST might know.

brainsforbreakfast 2006-01-23 10:13

Quote:
Originally Posted by far_beyond_sane

8) Pick up a woman by just grunting "SEX" at her in a bar. I have always wanted to do this.


haha great
If anyone can get that to work, it's you :beer:

Keep us updated how you progress :p

PST 88 2006-01-23 13:47

Add 'Bia' to the end of 'Les' and you might be onto something. Add in the mention of illegal acts and enjoy.

I'm pretty sure I get the title reference.

Kai Latvala 2006-01-23 14:39

Dr. Cuntsworthy I presume?

muffmaster 2006-01-23 15:56

wow my good christian upbringing causes me to be offended at this vile ,
Nah just kidding , bring on the midgets and dancing sluts . I say let the orgy begin :p

Bia 2006-01-23 17:13

Les Bia

Got it...
And no...I dont do that.

What am I talking about?
I dont do anything.
I'm a nerd.

brainsforbreakfast 2006-01-23 17:59

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bia
Les Bia

Got it...
And no...I dont do that.

What am I talking about?
I dont do anything.
I'm a nerd.


If pot was the most illegal thing you did in your life... ;)

PST 88 2006-01-23 18:25

He also made the reference on Cuntsworthy, but unless I'm wrong the origin of the phrase is a bit by the only worthwhile LB there ever was.

MoonRaven 2006-01-23 18:45

hmm dirty shit

my ex liked to be tied up, so one day i tied her hands behind her back, and tied her arms to her waist, stuck an end of one of the ropes up her cunt, and proceed to recieve some of the best head ive ever gotten.

far_beyond_sane 2006-01-23 18:53

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonRaven
my ex liked to be tied up, so one day i tied her hands behind her back, and tied her arms to her waist, stuck an end of one of the ropes up her cunt, and proceed to recieve some of the best head ive ever gotten.


Hahahahahahahaha you know, that's made my morning. :D

Bia 2006-01-23 19:02

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonRaven
hmm dirty shit

my ex liked to be tied up, so one day i tied her hands behind her back, and tied her arms to her waist, stuck an end of one of the ropes up her cunt, and proceed to recieve some of the best head ive ever gotten.

:D

Nylon, Polyester, Manila?

Also... braided or twisted?

BassBehemoth 2006-01-23 19:02

My girlfriend likes her ass eaten out...and Ive gotten shit on my finger before from me fingering her ass hole.

And I want to have sex with her mother and younger sister.

far_beyond_sane 2006-01-23 19:04

I had a brilliant sex dream.

I am standing in line waiting at a supermarket, doing my shopping.

An attractive, hippy-looking girl walks in with a knee length skirt walks in.

She talks to one of the tellers, who is her friend. She's whispering but I can hear her.

"I just took the BIGGEST dump. It's the most intense feeling. I feel cleaner and lighter. And horny. Really horny."

She starts thrusting her pelvis in the air.

I understand what she is doing. She is enjoying the feeling of the breeze running over her pussy. A woman like this does not bother with trivialities such as underwear.

"GRR! FEELS GOOD!"

I am yelling.

"YES IT DOES!"

She spots me in line and she's yelling back.

She moves closer as we start a conversation (at the top of our lungs) about HOW GOOD IT FEELS.

It finishes with me convulsing with laughter on the ground as she straddles me. I am bellowing at her spread-open pussy "ENJOY THE BREEZE! THE BREEZE!"

She is screaming "You're goddamn right! Absolutely! Fucking A, white man!" etc.

Everyone is absolutely HORRIFIED.

This makes me very happy.

***

Welcome to my brain, fuckweeds! Isn't the subconscious fun?

Def 2006-01-23 19:14

you, FBS, are a sick puppy.

Allthough I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavours for the pussy, it is a goal worthy of a gentleman to strive for. There just is no going withouth.

I suggest you to read 'we are bitches' written by Kate Fillion.


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