Poem for my English Class assesment.
 

Serrated saber slashes you skull,
Your parents tied, they cried as you died.
Slashed and bleeding, blood pours like water
Your son is dead, I continue to slaughter.
The tied parents quiver knowing their fate,
Looking at them, their fear turns to hate.
I take the father and - dragged by the hair -
He starts to scream with a pain hard to bare.
Into the corner where his son's body lie,
I realise now, this gives me a high.
I cut him open and tear out his guts,
Dissecting them fast with precisely aimed cuts.
Leaving him there, a red bloddy mess,
The wife is now screaming, such a success!
Now my blade lurks like a drunk in an alley,
I move to kill her as comes naturally.
Sword cutting through her with a single swing,
Sheathing it now with a gentle 'Sching'.
Maybe you make me a monster in mind, but
My bane was to reign and cause ultimate pain.

:behead: :behead: :behead: :behead: :behead:

By the way, I had to use Alliteration, Assonance, Simile, Metaphor, Onomatopeia, and Personification - See if you can find them ;)

Serrated saber slashes you skull,


Your parents tied, they cried as you died.
My bane was to reign and cause ultimate pain.


Now my blade lurks like a drunk in an alley,
blood pours like water [to a lesser degree]


didn't get that one :p


Sheathing it now with a gentle 'Sching'.


Maybe you make me a monster in mind,

Metaphor:
"A red bloody mess"

Grammar:
"Into the corner where his son's body lie" (lies). I figure you just copy and pasted this, wouldn't want to lose marks over something silly like that now, would we?

oh while we're at grammar street, in the first line should be "your skull" not "you skull."

Typos :D

a red bloddy mess, ---bloody perhaps?

You trying to give the teach a heart attack or get expelled and sent to a mental facility? lol

I was actually really worried that I wont be allowed to submit it :D Thanks for pointing out typos.

Well I think that if it is so graphic then I should get fucking extra marks!! Hahah, if it's got that kind of imagery and it makes the ENGLISH teacher squirm then I'd have to get marks for awesome imagery and all that shit.

Yeah, the thing now is some jerks screwed things up saying that Ozzy's lyrics made them crazy and that evil lyrics caused Columbine. Sad but true.

I don't know when it's due, and I know this sounds old fuddy-duddy, but there's times and places for things and maybe it would cause YOU less stress if you submitted something else. I don't know how your teacher or the school would react and it may or may not snowball into something.
Yeah, I'm a worry wart. I just hate to see something like this taken for serious. You aren't serious, are you? ;)

Fuck it, I'll submit it and if the school wants to do something about it I'll just misbehave my way outta it. Hahaha.

Spoken like a true metalhead. :vampire:

yeah
 

If they do give you shit, and they probably will, I would bring up the fact that anything you say or write is protected under Freedom of speech. And assuming that they are the generic ego-centric fucks that most people of authority are, they'll probably attempt to say that you're not protected under the constitution because they think it only applies to adults. Well, I doubt that most people are like that, maybe it's just my step dad, who claims I have as many rights as his furniture as i'm "property" until I am a legal adult. And he can treat me as such. :mad:

wow
 

that was awsome. you should start a black metal band

Do they have freedom of speech in Australia? They certainly don't have our Constitution, so giving him a defense based on it doesn't help. Though I'd be surprised if they didn't have similar laws.

Unless you mean 'to reveal,' 'bare' isn't spelled that way.
I don't see why that's 'your' bane, since it doesn't seem to bother 'you' at all. 'You' are a bane, but that's not what the line says.
If the separate listing of 'simile' and 'metaphor' means you also have to construct a metaphor without the use of 'like' or 'as,' I don't see one.

It's only year 10 english man, not my HSC :D I don't think alot of that will count - what you said about metaphor and simile. But exactly WHY could I get into trouble for this anyway?!? Why?? Because it's gory? What exactly justifies this as being 'in trouble' material?

A lot of people used to get in trouble for shit like this, violent poetry and such, in our country. Usually in connection with the question of school shootings, real or imaginary. I have no idea what kind of alarmists your country has.

I wouldn't worry about the simile/metaphor thing, but I would change 'bane,' since that line actually doesn't make sense, given the context. English teachers notice this kind of thing, and they're bastards about it. Cruel, smug bastards.

A) Well I don't think we've eer had a high school shooting, save some dude shot a girls legs together with a crossbow. There's never been anything like it, and plus I live in a very small town of aobut 18 - 20K people over a 10 km diameter... I don't think It will raise any alarms.

B) Definition: [n] something causes misery or death; "the bane of my life"

Couldn't I say it like that? My method to cause misery was to cause ultimate pain???

When you say 'my bane,' it doesn't mean 'my method to cause misery' but rather 'the thing that causes me misery.' It implies that his killing is self-destructive when it's really, from his viewpoint, celebratory; he doesn't seem to feel that he's doing anything bad to himself, that this is some kind of sickness he suffers from or whatever like some literary killers do. The rest of the poem suggests that he's having a hell of a good time. If you're trying to say that he knows that being a violent prick's eating away at him in some way, then it's fine; if you're trying to say what I think you're trying to say it's the wrong word.

While I'm thinking on this, replacing it with 'vein,' as in the thing that brings you life, makes a neat if somewhat tenuous and unclear metaphor. I'm not suggesting you try that, since I think it's somewhat weak; it just popped into my head.

In vain I must reign and cause ultimate pain?

That's got the same problem.

I just went through all the words I know that end in the 'ane' sound, and the best one is fain, which means gladness or joy, but it's a little obscure. Still, it's their job to know words.