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-   -   for people who find annoyancies within america (http://metaltabs.com/forum/showthread.php?t=17542)

SARS 2005-01-26 06:40

for people who find annoyancies within america
 
Dunno whether he actually wrote this but, it does seem of John Cleese mind...and i can imagine him saying it. Ah well, it gave me a morning chuckle.

Quote:
Originally Posted by John Cleese?
Letter to America
by John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.



If you are american and offended by that, than you Sir are an idiot.

Cloaca 2005-01-26 06:54

Well Crikey! I agree with every letter of that letter. I can't stand "US English" - Seriously.

Good ol' John Cleese. :beer:

EDIT: Wait, not point 6.

SARS 2005-01-26 06:58

Anybody see him when he was on some american chat show?

He was asked, "What's the difference between English people and American people?"

His reply:-

"Well first; We speak English. Secondly, we have a world championship in a sport, we actually invite other nations to compete. And third, when we address our head of state we only need to get down on one knee"

genius

Cloaca 2005-01-26 07:08

Fucking Genius!

Def 2005-01-26 07:12

hahaha, that was hilarious! :)

the part about beer and football was good too

VizThisAl 2005-01-26 07:14

Quote:
Originally Posted by SARS
Anybody see him when he was on some american chat show?

He was asked, "What's the difference between English people and American people?"

His reply:-

"Well first; We speak English. Secondly, we have a world championship in a sport, we actually invite other nations to compete. And third, when we address our head of state we only need to get down on one knee"

genius


priceless that is

powersofterror 2005-01-26 13:25

Wow I never actually realized that about football and the world series.....
Psh, US English, microsoft invented that language...

SmotPoker 2005-01-26 14:06

That was pretty funny. #6 was the best

slayme_returns 2005-01-26 14:09

I like John Cleese, and while his statement on the World Series is mostly accurate he forgot that there are Canadian teams in Major League Baseball. So he is incorrect.

TranMan 2005-01-26 16:47

john cleese is a dumbass, why would we want to learn other cultures or care bout how people from a distant country act. here in america we have it all, we dont need to go out side for anything. and you should be thankfull americans dont take rugby seriously beacuse we would dominate it like every other sport. did you see the olympics hahha pure rape.

guitar_demon 2005-01-26 16:55

some of it was good, some of it was gay...

Quote:
Originally Posted by TranMan
john cleese is a dumbass, why would we want to learn other cultures or care bout how people from a distant country act. .

Quote:
Originally Posted by sars
you Sir are an idiot


Quote:
Originally Posted by trany
did you see the olympics hahha pure rape

maybe thats cause we send alot more than over half the countrys there :idea:

rabbifoodslicer 2005-01-26 16:58

well all and all we gotta just put up a big ass dome and cut off all relations with any form of outside communication....we'll see you on the other side....donut.

guitar_demon 2005-01-26 17:22

good one rabbi :rolleyes:
the only reason i know how to say Edinburgh is cause they say it right in braveheart

rabbifoodslicer 2005-01-26 18:44

Quote:
Originally Posted by guitar_demon
good one rabbi :rolleyes:
the only reason i know how to say Edinburgh is cause they say it right in braveheart


"william, i am your uncle"

rabbifoodslicer 2005-01-26 18:45

EDIT: ok what the fuck it posted three fucken times!!! sorry

rabbifoodslicer 2005-01-26 18:46

SEEEEEEE!!!!!!! my connection is slow today so it might be trying to screw me over

far_beyond_sane 2005-01-26 19:13

Quote:
Originally Posted by TranMan
why would we want to learn other cultures or care bout how people from a distant country act. here in america we have it all, we dont need to go out side for anything.


This is why in 20 years the Euro Dollar will be the world's dominant currency, and China will once again be the world's most powerful nation. Because your country is full of self-obssessed infected twats like yourself. It's endemic, this shitty hateful "Amurican" state of mind, and it seeps into literally everything that you do. Like posting on a metal site, setting a foreign policy or being alive.

How does it feel to be a footnote in history, you stupid cunt? I can't wait until you're speaking Mandarin.

guitar_demon 2005-01-26 19:18

haha thank you FBS!!!

SmotPoker 2005-01-26 20:31

I think China would own America. Not just because they have 4 fucking billion people. I would say their military is just as well trained as our, the only thing their lacking compared to us is technology. Also i think if China did invade us and wage all out war and shit, Americans would pretty much just bend over and take it(im not talking about the army, obviously they'll fight back). Thats why i partly respect those insurgents in Iraq, because they fight back against the biggest superpower in the world.

guitar_demon 2005-01-26 20:52

I dont know dude, i think if somone actually invaded america they would have one HELL of a time defeating us. we would nefinitally not take it up the ass, we would all fight back and look at the south, every house has at least two hunting rifles and other guns to fight back with


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