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MoonRaven 2004-10-27 18:09

Shores of Mourning
its been a while since last i posted a poem, so hopefully this will be a triumphant return.

Shores Of Mourning

Deep in the corners of my mind, there lie
emotions i refuse to tell
Tormenting my soul, how it burns, it burns
in my self-created hell
i, alone, am the dark lord there,
antagonist of my tortured cries
i am my own bloodied Satan
fallen angel of my own demise

She left me there in a sea of self-loathing
hated by my only friend
drown myself in the deep waters of mourning,
memories bring my end

Taken over by dreams of her
visions of her in the distance
i see her live, i see her dead
always crying like a frightened child
a sickle in one hand, a rose in the other
like death's precious valentine
soft lips that once brought life to mine
now kiss me with sorrow and pain
the sweet voice that once whispered declarations of love
now scream cries of death

Lord Cabed

dying-oath 2004-10-28 12:59

okay, I'm back, probably not for good, but I'm back. It feels good, except that I've changed, no longer am I this "Hardcore metalhead." But I will still offer my criticism and honest opinion.
Frankly, I didn't like it. You had some cool stuff going though. Nice imagery, but what is the message you're trying to convey? I want you to put it in your owns words. I didn't find an argument, only loss, remorse, and pain. Trust me, if you want to absolutely OWN the forum, put an argument in your stuff. It will boost it beyond your wildest dreams. Give your piece something to strive for, not just pure wrath and hate and pain; make people think. Give them stuff that stops them in their tracks not because of the shock value, but because it engages their minds and they don't understand what you said. You need to give people something that they can interpret themselves, because then the text is new to everyone, they don't see the exact same thing that everyone else did. Maybe that helped...(Maybe I should turn into a literary critic too.[yeah right]).

MoonRaven 2004-10-28 18:34

i was only trying to convey loss and pain. i dont know if there really was a message, i was trying to more so paint a picture for people, a momentary thought put into words.
im not going for nobel prize literature, but more like song lyrics that serve the song, as opposed to a song that serves the lyrics.

Credit to Dementia 2004-10-28 19:34

Conveying an impression or mental state is not necessarily an inferior purpose to making an argument, especially considering the fact that this is presumably one song among many, or at least several. Concept albums aren't the only ones that expand and clarify an argument through the progression of songs. But a message is hardly necessary, and, in this case, seems superfluous to the intent that went into the song.

In any case, speaking of a song lyric as a 'text' as though it exists independently of the song as a whole is misleading. Some songs would never work with ambiguous or opaque lyrics; for others they are virtually a necessity. The lyric in question is relatively straightforward, but it doesn't necessarily lack anything by that. It would depend on the song, since lyrics are just one part of a polyphonic structure.

Though, in general, I do think it's often a good idea to write lyrics that require some interpretation. However, it's often more important to write a line that's memorable and pleasant-sounding, one that will cause the listener to grab at the lyric sheet, not, or at least not primarily, out of shock or a need to interpret, but simply out admiration for a skillfully phrased line. A lot of people's favorite lyrics fall along those lines, though not everybody's.

As for the lyric itself: it seems well-written enough. I'm not a huge fan of your choice of imagery, but that's personal taste. You might want to change the 'kiss' in the antepenultimate line into something stronger, more vicious so it better fits with the distinction in the next lines between 'whisper' and 'scream.'

L,B'XXX 2004-10-29 08:31

I don't know about all that, but I thought it was pretty darn haunting. It had a romantic yet dark feel to it which I liked. Most times when I read a line about Satan it's on the lame side, but the pne used here was not bad at all. The lines about the sickle/ rose/ valentine were my favorites. I got a lot of emotion and imagery from this one. It appealled to my feminine taste is about the only way I can say it.
Nice one. What type of music do you have inmind if it's a song?

andrewc 2004-10-29 08:41

that was pretty damn good i reckon.
i can easily see that commanding a gothic doom metal song.

MoonRaven 2004-10-29 10:07

an opeth like tune, all distorted maybe with some harpsichord, death vox.

thats what i write musically, anyways, so thats what i would write for it

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