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-   -   "Dark Haired Ocean's Daughter" (http://metaltabs.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10861)

L,B'XXX 2004-04-27 06:49

"Dark Haired Ocean's Daughter"
 
Awright. I remember reading someones comments about pretty things like bunnies, butterflies, and little girls swimming or something like that so it gave me a idea. I looked around to see who it was so I could give them the credit for the inspiration of this. It isn't anything spectacular but enjoy the read.

"Dark Haired Ocean's Daughter"

Pretty little dark haired girl
Swims beneath the sea
Looks around at all the fish
Feels at home with them

Not a scavanger bothers her
No 'cudas or vicious eel
She plays in and out of the waves
Dives to the deepest depths.

Seems Posiedon was her father
Never knew her mom
But she's never missed much
In the deep blue she calls home

Dressed in a seaweed suit
Trimmed in bright fish scales
She races with her companions there
Little dark haired one

But a drop of blood is a calling card
For a predator grey and sleek
And she's but a small thing
Doesn't see what's coming

But she feels a bump against her foot
And turns to face fear
Those dull eyes unfeeling
Carnivore of the deep

It turns and swims in a circle
Speeds up as it comes near
Open mouthed , bared rows of teeth
I shudder at the thought

The blood is oozing through the water
Bits of raw flesh everywhere
Bubbled invisiblity
Stomach satisfied

Streamlined through the water
Dipping high and low
Leaps onto a solid rock
Smiles and picks her teeth with a bone

BJH

dying-oath 2004-04-27 15:55

nice dude; i wrote the junk about the bunnies and flowers and little girls swimming and then showed a guy that those who have been depressed or whatever would write about the girl dying, drowning and coughing up blood as the shark ate her alive, thrashing in the water, wathing her blood desperse into the water like so many living tendrils.
i like this. keep it up

L,B'XXX 2004-04-27 18:12

Cool. I thought it was you but couldn't find that post. No biggie. Glad ya enjoyed it.




Why does everyone think I'm a guy ? :confused: :)

ShredIsNotDead 2004-04-27 20:02

Hah...and i thought the little brown haired girl was gonna get her ass handed too her...

Nice poem, i love poems that have a twist at the ending or keep you thinking. Really awesome man there is nothing to change here.

dying-oath 2004-04-28 17:20

"Why does everyone think I'm a guy ?"
who says we do? i dunno 'bouy y'all, but i call everyone 'dude' and 'man' junk like that.

L,B'XXX 2004-04-28 18:27

Heh heh, that's okay. I get that periodically. I just had to say something. Someone at tc got into a big philosophical thing about this so I did a search here and found the schpeil that you gave and posted that there. And said I just did it to be a smartass. :D

powersofterror 2004-04-29 13:04

Hahaha:rolleyes:cute, I had to read it twice to get the end. I was hoping she would be eaten but ha, weird twist you wrote. I don't see any problems either. The "canivore of the deep," now that's a keeper....or should I say creeper:rolleyes:. If it wasn't taking place in water, that would sound badass if about the dead ground, tee hee;). This would be A LOT better, if you make it rhyme and a rhythm too. With that twist at the end...so evil, but if it had rhyme and rhythm, it would make it even eviler because of the "childish" nature a rhyme would give it. oooOOooo, yeah.

L,B'XXX 2004-05-02 15:57

powers, are you on drugs !!??? You're babbling about like I do !!! heehee ....or did you bleach your hair blonde.
Well, why don't you borrow my "carnivore of the deep" and write something surrounding that? Maybe I will, too.

And powers' you used way too many smilies for one post. Are you okay? ;)


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