FTT #7: Tales From The Cryptopsy

[CtHuLhU DaWn]

This Story was Created my DerMeister, i Deleted the forest name, and Last names, becuas4e they were motherfuckers to type, as always, i want NO immature shitface crap, No tit, penis, cunt, jokes, if your gonna be funny, be original.
If someone Posts in resposne to the same post as you, and they get there forstm DELETE YOUR POST!
If you want to make a comment to another member on their piece of story, Mark it with a "*", at the end of your story.
Here Goes......


Sorry guys but the wrongly spelt title was annoying me...
Heres it up to date in here



The dusk came creeping into the woods. A wolf howled somewhere in the distance. Our hero, Matti was strolling along the path as fast as he could. He knew he shouldn't be out now, but he had to get to his girlfriend Hienna to warn her. Great danger lurked in these woods. It was then he noticed, as the moon was uncovered, a flash among the trees...





OpethRules
Supreme Metalhead

Registered: Apr 2002
Location: Louisville ky
Posts: 861
The flash turned out to be his camera falling from his pocket. He wanted to become the best photographer in all of the land. He remebered what he was out for when he saw a giant......





memnoch
Forum Daemon

Registered: Aug 2001
Location: ont, canada
Posts: 3756
The giant said:
"Hey....need some peas or something?"

Matti replied "no, i don't eat vegetables".

It was at this point that the Giant who was green ran off in fury. Matti was kind of amused at how the Big Giant that was green ran. Once he finished laughing, it was sunrise, and he realized he was too late (or early) to warn his bitch. So he unzipped his pants and.......




mrweijia
Supreme Metalhead

Registered: Jul 2002
Location: I like to eat
Posts: 203
pulled out a tent, a stove and a picnic table from the inside pocket of his pants. he set them up but as soon as they touched the ground...





DELETE79
Supreme Metalhead

Registered: Aug 2001
Location: Montréal Québec Canada
Posts: 147
TWO HUMAN BLOODY HANDS GET OUT OF THE GROUND AND GRAB HIS ANKLE
AND START TO PULL HIM UNDER THE GROUND.




OpethRules
Supreme Metalhead

Registered: Apr 2002
Location: Louisville ky
Posts: 861
He was taken to an underground world, full of the best "underground" metal bands around. He was having an awesome time, when suddenly he realized....





Head_split_Open
Supreme Metalhead

Registered: May 2002
Location: help! im locked in some crazy man's trunk!!
Posts: 158
his left leg had turned into a hamsterball...




CtHuLhU DaWn
Supreme Metalhead

Registered: Apr 2002
Location: Scotland
Posts: 776
And his right arm a Birdhouse...

[Head_split_Open]

Matti was thought to himself "damn, this is a hell of a situation i've gotten myself into here... i better solve it by...

[CtHuLhU DaWn]

Stepping out of the machine that turns Left legs into Hamsterballs, and Right Arms into Birdhouses...

[Tattered]

..Matti thought to himself this is fucking screwy..as he strolled on he came across this huge badger hole, he dared to look, but without temptation..he peered down the badger hole..and looking straight back at him were these huge slitty red eyes..he knew this was no badger...foolishly matti..stuck his head right down the hole..and ''it'' growled..matti tryed speaking to ''it'' but it spoke no reply..so then as matti was about to remove his head from the hole..the so-what beast..took at swipe at him..as blood was trickling from his face..''OH FUCKIN BASTARD'' matti yelled...he was furious, he thought fuck this man, and...

[CtHuLhU DaWn]

Offered the beast a cupcake...

[Tattered]

..The beast couldnt resist, as he scoffed the cupcake.. he said....i am the badger-eating-beast, but i would never turn down a good cupcake..thankyou very much, a quick crack from the tail...and he went back down his hole...matti thought to himself ''that was unusually close'' he walked on a felt really hungry thinking how stupid it was to give away the cupcake, he only just remembered that he had a freshly warm double cheese pizza in his bag..he took it out and slowly ate munch by munch...just when he was about to finish it...

[DerMeister]

...The Reaper himself came wandering along the path. He was eating crunchy biscuits with vanilla flavor. "Damn, they look good", thought Matti. He stopped and shouted:"hey, Reaper, wanna trade your crunchy biscuits for my pizza?". The Reaper turned around and.....

[Tattered]

..He said ''what u must be kidding these vanilla flavour biscuits are delicious'' and then matti went back to eating his pizza, by this time matti is starting to ache so he whipped out his phone and ordered a moped from ''mopeds r us'' (hehe) he waited and waited and nothing came, this had been hours and hours, matti was really pissed off..so he decided..

[Head_split_Open]

to cry, because he had wasted his last dime on that moped that never came... he had to think of something for transportation... using what resources he had, he contructed a pogo stick out of a bunny and a tree branch... this was working well, so he started off on his way again...

[OpethRules]

He suddenly tripped over some gravel in the road, and when he saw what was in front of him he let out a scream............

[Head_split_Open]

it was in fact the largest scream-inducing ray gun hes ever seen! as big as an antelope it was.. and it shot him... that being the cause of the scream... he then stood up on his pogo bunny-stick and was on his way again...

[Tattered]

..it was getting dark, so he settled in a hollowed out tree nearby, he decided for the dangers that may be ahead, to make his bunny-pogo-stick slightly a bit more advanced..in his backpack..were 2 uzi guns..with no ammo...''bollocks'' he quoted and sat there to think about what to do...something struck his mind :idea: he knew it was crazy but he thought what the heck and pulled out everyone one of his teeth and slotted them into the uzi clip...he attached them onto the pogo stick..he was getting tired from pulling out all his teeth..

[atifman]

there was blood gushing from his mouth and since he was definitely feeling woozy from all the excruciating pain it took to take out all his teeth, and because of his all blood loss, he passed out........

[Head_split_Open]

as he was passed out, he was then dismembered and molested by a passerby... when he awakened... he was in shock... he was nothing but a torso and a head... with no teeth... "damn fuckery!" he swore in his mind.."now i must think of a way out of this... maybe if i...

[atifman]

just wait..........something might just happen."

and it did. a wolf came around and ate all of Matti's members; his entire body. He was eaten back to life. He burst from that wolf's stomach with a new sense of elation; boundless energy, euphoria fixation. but.....

[powersofterror]

someon stole his gun, he cursed, "shit," and walked around looking
for tracks. soon he got hungry, but without teeth, he couldn't eat the
wolf carcass, "fuck," he cursed again, when suddenly

[Tattered]

...a flock of pigs came flying towards him (ehehehe the irony!) he was in luck!, he had to figure out how to get them down, so he searched and searched the floor, by this time the flying pigs were nearly out of sight, he found a sharpened stick by the tree..''what the fuck?!'' he thought '' i didnt sharpen any stick'' he only just remembered in his past life that someone dismembered him, he wiped the blood off the pointed stick, and started to catch speed, he wasnt very far from them now

the flying pigs lead him into a forest, he couldnt see them up above, he tripped over a tree root, ''OH! FUCK MUTHA FUCKING SHIT!!!'' he gave the tree one big KICK!..he waited.....and suddenly WHAM FLUMp! WHAM! three flying pigs came falling out of the tree, 'ahahahaha there you are you bastards!' he quoted, he started stabbing them with joy,without actually having to be clever - they were all dead,the blood was pissing out of the pig, this was not a delightful sight thought matti, but he had to survive this way killing animals, he sighed, he had an idea :idea: he didnt have any teeth so with this way, he got these too sticks nearby, and pulled out each of the pigs teeth 1 by 1, ''yes'' he said! ''they make not look very good but atleast i can eat with these mutha fuckers'', he pierced the pigs teeth slowly into his skin, he then went off to find some firewood, as he hid the dead-teethless pigs in the hedge..

[Head_split_Open]

he heard a sound... a sound unlike any sound hes ever heard... the sound of... THE OSTRICH... now this wasnt just an ostrich, this was THE OSTRICH and THE OSTRICH had a sharpened candy cane for a right wing thingy.... "DAMN!" shouted Matti as he ran away... faster and faster through the night... and all of a sudden "BOOOOCCKKKAAAAARRRKKK!!!!"... GOD NO! IT CANT BE?! it was.... the terrifying super-pissed techno-rooster... the rooster DEVOURED THE OSTRICH like it was nothing... "holy shit" thought Matti, "im going to die.." but then he had a BRILLIANT PLAN! Matti thought to himself "If only i had a....

[Tattered]

..Anti-ostrich gun...

[AngelOfDeath]

so out of his magical pants which contain many magical things he pulled out an anti-bird gun, and he shot the rooster, and then he decided to...

[mrweijia]

eat

[DerMeister]

He roasted what was left of the rooster and had a jolly good time. But suddenly something snapped in his head, and he remembered why he was out in the first place. He brought up his Nokia and dialed his girlfriend's number. But as he did, an airborne moped landed on him. "Shite", screamed Matti, as he realized that the moped was in fact driven by a huge fish, called Fresher Dood. This day can't get any better, thought Matti, but then.....

[atifman]

Fresher Dood turned out to be his girlfriend in disguise, and he finally got that moped he ordered, so his day actually did turn out better. now he could finally tell his girlfriend the warning he was trying to tell her all this time.........

[AngelOfDeath]

That she couldnt have sex with him without a condom any more! because...

[atifman]

he done ran out of them.
and he wanted to take their relationship to the next level. so he got on his knee, took her hand, and said, "Hienna, will you marry me?", and Hienna said......

[AngelOfDeath]

No! Because I'm sleeping with...

[atifman]

a sheep...........his wool feels nice and soft in my hands, and keeps me warm when we're making whoopee.

[AngelOfDeath]

Because she often liked to do it outside. With this, Matti went crazy and decided it was time to....

[atifman]

put on his glasses and pay his bills. when he got those out of they way, he decided it was time to...

[AngelOfDeath]

Eat a pizza and go for a jolly down to the local pub. When he got there he noticed that it was on fire, and full of screaming locals. So, being desperate for a pint, he clenched his fists and...

[mrweijia]

ate

[atifman]

that sheep who Hienna was having an affair with. but he left the haggis of the sheep for......

[mrweijia]

the butcher who would stuff the sheep with mice and spiders and then feed it to the dogs, but he thought better so he left it instead to...

[Tattered]

..grow nice chunky bits of mould, ready for the scottish to eat (sorry cthulu), by this time, matti, was really tired, he couldnt do anything no more, so he decided to..

[mrweijia]

eat? no he already did that. twice. so he decided to...

[Tattered]

..have a nice steaming shit, right next to the chemist..

[atifman]

who happened to Hienna. she was quite upset about the events that had just transpired with her sheep lover and all, and she.....

[Tattered]

..took her top off, and her trousers off, and she just standing there, butt naked, and she said ''screw that stupid sheep, i need more sex, fuck me! fuck me right here right now!'' matti said ''no way i aint fucking you'' ''you stupuid fat ugly sheep lover u..ahhhhhh ok lets fuck'' and...

[atifman]

since he had no condoms, he got her pregnant. nine months later they had a baby who they named.......

[Tattered]

..Rumple Stiltskin..obviously this was very harsh on the baby..

[mrweijia]

Eat

[Tattered]

dude u got stop sayin that

[mrweijia]

sorry man, but it does kinda fit in with the story

[Tattered]

no.....it doesent, its just ''eat'' man u must be hungry go eat something..

[mrweijia]

i just had a pound of porkchops and some bread and some stirfry. not hungry anymore. sure it fits. the baby's name is "Eat"

[Tattered]

no dude, i already gave the baby a name ''Rumple Stiltskin'' just before u posted, looks like i beat you to it :D

[mrweijia]

oh sorry man, your post was on page 4 and mine on 5 so i didnt see it. ignore my post and now to continue the story.

...so the baby grew up and still no one knew wether it was a boy or girl.

[atifman]

when Rumple Stiltskin became a teenager, he/she/it was confronted with many problems like which locker room they're going to put he/she/it in for P.E.
he/she/it was very frustrated, he/she/it had to find out which gender he/she/it was in, and it would take a long ardous journey......

[AngelOfDeath]

So one day It decided to take that journey, and popped down to the local supermarket. In that supermarket lived a thing, a thing which could help It. That thing was...

[mrweijia]

a scottish leprechaun, who had been exiled from ireland when he stole little boys penises and little girls' nipples. now he had a whole collecton that he was selliing. the It decidd to pay the Scot a visit.

[Tattered]

the it, preferably known as ''Rumple stiltskin'' was hoping to be a...

[DerMeister]

woman with big breasts and lots of wool, because he thought hairy women were sexy. But...

[Tattered]

..But instead it turned out to be a she, a her, and she was very big breasted, and had real nice legs, and was very pretty, and..

[atifman]

had a refreshing personality. Rumple Stiltskin's search for her gender was finally over, but now she had to find a man! so.......

[mrweijia]

she went to find her daddy

[AngelOfDeath]

and her daddy suggested she went and...

[mrweijia]

be a lesbian, and find a really hot lesbain lover and have lesbian sex and record it and put it on a lesbian website.

[AngelOfDeath]

So rumple stiltskin went away to a lesbian dancing bar, and there she found...

[mrweijia]

lots of horny lesbians who were all too happy to fuck her

[Tattered]

..so they did, and rumple stiltskin sent the video of them off, and got lots of money for it, but obviously she had to share it between her hot lesbo friends, and they eventually became very famous...

[atifman]

but over the royalties they had disputes:.....

[AngelOfDeath]

and rumple stiltskin ended up killing one of her fellow lesbians in a horrificly terrible manner, firstly she sliced off her...

[mrweijia]

tits and implanted into her own. then she cut her her ass and did the same thing. then she sold the rest as haggis.

[AngelOfDeath]

After making her little trip to the butchers to sell off the remains, R.S. bumped into Richard Ramirez, the serial killer. They ended up talking and taking the short walk to Starbucks, where they shared a coffee, and talked about...

[atifman]

macro-economics.

they had such an interesting conversation and such chemistry; they really hit it off. R.S. changed her name to Rita Susie and now she was bi. R.S. and Richard fell in...

[mrweijia]

a hole

[walpurgis]

(Just as a little sidenote, someone IM me whenever you guys finish with these to tell me to close this thread, or if there are any problems, because I don't read it...)

[atifman]

and in love with.....

[mrweijia]

the hole, where they decided to live and start a family

[atifman]

and they sang, "Live in a hole, but stay close to my kind..........'cause they understand what burns in my MIIIIIIIIINND"

[AngelOfDeath]

But Ramirez didnt like that song so he...

[mrweijia]

had sex with the song. he thought that if he had sex enough times, the song would be tired and fall apart.

[atifman]

that didn't work, so his wife broke up with him 'cause of his numerous affairs, and she moved out of the hole with her kids once and for all. this time......

[DerMeister]

a yellow badger moved in. His name was actually Genghis, and he was a colonel in the Badger army. He was also having an affair with Jesus, and that made him...

[atifman]

irrestible to Rita Susie. so they got married, and this time, instead of living in a hole, they lived in a dam by the river. Rita Susie, by now, was......

[DerMeister]

getting very old(turning 83 next spring), so she decided to do something wild before she died. Therefore, she brought Genghis the Badger along to Disneyland, to meet Donald Duck. Unfortunately, ......

[atifman]

donald duck was too busy having sex with Jasmine (from Aladdin). this disturbing image upset Rita Susie too much, and she done suffered a heart attack....

[DerMeister]

and she died tragically, without having fulfilled her only dream. Genghis the Badger got hungry and ate the body, so the family had nowhere to go.....It was then........

[atifman]

that Genghis realized that Rita could not be eaten back to life, so what was the point of eating her.
he sighed and started a textile manufacturing company, with which....

[DerMeister]

he (with time) took control of the whole international textile market. As a successful businessman, he soon had the world economy in his hands, and his popular badgerjeans were quite a hit. So one day, as he sat in his office and nipped his liquer, he decided to.....

[atifman]

order chinese....

[DerMeister]

...but instead, he got crunchy bisquits with vanilla flavor. the next second, the reaper himself stood in front of him and yelled: "so there are my bisquits, you filthy badger!" Genghis leaped in his chair and...

[mrweijia]

said" har har har, i'm a pirate"

[atifman]

" a butt pirate, that is" and he tried to acquire the booty.

[DerMeister]

"oh no, you naughty mammal", said the reaper. "You back that ass up!" Genghis had to obey because of the reapers hypnotic stare. The reaper entered Genghis from behind while singing "bend over doggie, here comes the loggie". "Please Jesus, help your old lover", prayed Genghis, and out of the sky came.....

[mrweijia]

poo

[AngelOfDeath]

Genghis liked to eat poo, especially angel poo, as this was the type which fell out the sky. So he and the grim reaper shared a lovely candlelit supper of angel poo and biscuits. But all of a sudden, the grim reaper's ex lover, Elvis came out of the...

[DerMeister]

closet. "eeeeek", screamed the Reaper. "you here?". It turned out that Elvis was having an affair with Genghis, so they ended up having the night of their life, all three.....

[AngelOfDeath]

Having wild sex on the alter of the local bingo club. Until suddenly, Boris the bingo caller strolled into the hall and shouted...

[Tattered]

''OI YOU 2 WHAT U DOIN?'' They both looked around and replied ''Oh nothing were just having a bit of a rumple..u know.....sex'' the bingo caller replied with ''Oh cool ill join in''...

[mrweijia]

once i grow a penis

[Tattered]

meanwhile...

[CtHuLhU DaWn]

..the FTT is aincent so Gav Created a NEW ONE!

[walpurgis]

New one's up, this one's done.