Is This Any Good?

[se7engates3613]

Looking for opinions. I imagine a sort of "Down" style of singing in it

The End Of The Beginning

Casting fire in wind
That’s when the dying begins
And sighing unhallowed hymns (Of True Beginnings)
Spewing blood from the skies
Unmatched my unholy cries
Bleeding through hollow eyes (Of Severed Souls)
Again and again they all cry
We all need to die (Sometimes)
And such a shame we die young
If life is so precious
Why is it so frail
Ripped from the stalks
Like harvested crops
Planted in rows and rows, our graves
Upturned monuments
Of marble and gold
But you deny having sold our souls (To God)
Here comes the bleeding again
He was crucified and martyred
“I’ll die to save you from sin” (Bullshit)
I’ve suffered inhumanly
Though blinded I can still see
Witnessing bullshit fees (I’m sickened by your god)
Again and again they all cry
We all want to die (Sometimes)
It’s such a shame to die young
If god is so great
How can there be so much pain
Ripped from the sockets
Our bones and our eyes
Left tormented beneath the tyrant
If god preaches love
I suppose I should teach hate
I’d rather be masterless
Than just a servant
Arising from black flame
You can see I’m not the same
This ain’t no fuckin’ game (I am my own god and my own devil)
Blaspheme against Christ
Their throats long since sliced
And all their flesh diced
Too weak to live
Too sheltered to know
Too young to choose their own
Facts and ways set forth by liars
Truths untold (Too weak to know)
For 2000 years
They’ve been free to reign
Free to murder truths obtained
Centuries pass
Failure and perversion is all to be shown
For all the lives that you fought and stole
Again and again they all lie
I just feel so dead inside (sometimes)
It’s a god damn shame we die young
If god is so great
Why is he failing you now
Ripped from the sockets
Our bones and our eyes
Left tormented, indifferent to cries
If god preaches love
Why do we all hate so much
I’d rather be godless
Than to be blind to the world
Deaf to the cries of sinning
He knows that we are winning
I just can’t help but grin (You fuck)
Spitting upon your god’s face
I love to see your disgrace
No longer gullibly embraced (Your sheep are dead and I slaughtered them)
Again and again you cry
Now you’re the one to die (Forgotten)
No longer despised by them
Retardation through Christ
If god is so strong
Why has he failed you all
Ripped from the Herd
Pure Christian souls
Souls as pure and white as coal
No longer ruining young lives
Perversion through christ
Through basic freedoms denied
And urges suppressed
Important issues that should’ve been addressed
Body of Christ
Blood of his own
Don’t swallow the bullshit they are feeding you
God fearing
God loving
No More!
I guess it's kinda dark. Too dark for 'Down'

[morbid_death]

i like parts like this:

Ripped from the stalks
Like harvested crops
Planted in rows and rows, our graves

but as it goes on it gets less metaphorical, i'm not sure if you meant it that way, but it seems a little forced as it goes on. maybe if it was structured into fragments it could flow a little better, because as i read it, its like i'm reading a long sentence and start to feel as if i'm out of breath.

i can definatly see the idea there though

[problematic]

Pretty long, too.

[Amadeus]

Has some potential, as a draft. I'd do the following -

Look up repetitions, those made by purpose and, even more important, those you didn't think of yourself; then structure them into a chorus or simply drop them altogether.
Divide it into verses and choruses and take a good thinking on how you feel that the thought you want to present progressess; does it feel like you're getting everything said? Or has something slipped in that for some inexplicable reason doesn't feel to fit in?
As already stated, also make sure that you know where you're going with the metaphors and the straight-to-the-juicy-core-style.

If you do any changes, I'd be happy to see what you make of it.

[Infinity]

nah i think its sub par. what the fuck its like 4 years old.

[PST 88]

This dude is neither going to see your comments nor do any changes, Amadeus. Digging up an old thread in this forum seems to be one of the most pointless things you could do.

Didn't do well by me.

[Amadeus]

My bad, I didn't see the date. Sorry.

[Nihilist]

bye2u